Top 10 ways to save time that you shouldn’t do…
In reply to Little Dumb Man’s great 35+ Spectacular and Time Saving Tips article, I was thinking that, just in the same way making money shouldn’t be the bottom line for businesses, saving time shouldn’t be the bottom line for busy people. Here are some things that will defiantly save you time, but you shouldn’t probably do…
Hey, before you read this make sure you understand that I am trying to funny and ridiculous here. I don’t think some people appreciate my humor, but I laughed my ass off writing this after a hard day of work. So here goes:
10. Wear Diapers
We can all take a lesson from Lisa Marie Nowak - wear diapers. They are quick, disposable, and easy to use. This prevents you from having to run and find a restroom in public places as well as save time from actually having to sit in a bathroom. This will also prevent you from having to clean your bathroom as regularly. Convince you family and guests to wear them and you may never have to clean your bathroom ever!
9. Catch Up with Friends and Family in the Bathroom
If you absolutely must use the bathroom (too busy to buy diapers perhaps), use this time to catch up with friends and family that you have been meaning to call. When they question you about unsavory noises, just be frank with them. If they really love you, they will understand that you are busy. Worst case scenario, they will stop talking to you, which will save you even more time!
8. Never change your clothes OR Don’t Wear Clothes Period
All the telecommuters out there will appreciate this one! Changing clothes takes up time. Washing clothes takes up even more time. As suggested in the Little Dumb Man article, wear your clothes more than once. We say take this to the extreme and never change them. You only need 1 set of clothes. This will also save you time not having to shop for new clothes. An even better idea is to not wear clothes at all. We were born nude, we should be able to go through our daily routines nude. When you are buying groceries, if you are questioned by customers/staff/police, just tell them you are trying to save time and live more “greenly”. They will understand!
7. Dry yourself with your Dirty Clothes
Towels are bulky items that take a long time to dry and are otherwise useless. Your best option is to not use towels and just dry yourself with your clothes you just took off. When you are done, put your clothes back on and let them simply air dry on your body. Your body is nature’s best drying rack. For an added twist, take showers with your loved one and use their clothes to dry off. Even if they are not into saving time, they will appreciate that you freeing up more time to spend with them versus washing towels.
6. Go On Multiple Dates At Once
This one is for the busy singles out there. Take speed dating to the next level. Dating is very time consuming and chances are your blind date is going to be lame anyway. Why not save yourself some time and go on dates with multiple people at the same time. Your dates will find your ability to multi-task very attractive and they will know that you are a productive person with a bright future. If nothing else, you may get a Ménage à N out of it, also saving you time.
5. Think About Work While Having Sex
Speaking of making love, make decisions at the same time. You have a lot to do at work, and do not want to spend valuable time at work making important decisions about work related matters. A good time to use your brain when your body is otherwise in use is during sex. This is the perfect time to think about the list of to-dos you have tomorrow at work. In men, this is also a sure fire way to increase your lasting power and may also lead to ED which will cause your significant other to learn to more quickly climax, thus saving you time.
4. Make Bacon While You Make “Bacon”
Lots of people enjoy having sex in the morning, but this may require you to miss breakfast. Another excellent way to save time, is to make love while cooking. Few people enjoy making love on a full stomach and many people are aroused by the smell of a good hearty breakfast. Use this as an opportunity to satisfy your partner both sexually as well as their hunger. If you are doing #5 as well, then you should be all ready for a productive day at the office! If you are running late and hit the drive through, be sure to not to tip over your coffee while you are making love. You do not have time for a lawsuit over a burnt lap.
3. Do More Meth
Take it from the truck drivers, factory workers, and other laborers of our great Midwest - Meth will make you more productive. Stay awake longer, have more focus, and do things at seemingly light speed. The benefits of how much you will get done vastly out weigh the long term affects of Meth. Besides, eating liquid foods saves you the time of chewing.
2. Turn Your Children Into Zombies
Clairvius Narcisse, the famous Haitian zombie, spent many years mindlessly working in the sugar cane fields under the control of his master. His master probably got a tremendous amount of work done through the use of zombies. If you have children, then you have zombies. Their brains are already on the edge of decay though voluntary heavy doses of tv and violent video games. Why not give them the extra push they obviously desire and give them poisons that will cause them to truly become zombies. This also works for colicky babies who are taking up your time crying in your face. Once your children are zombies, put them to work cleaning, paying your bills, and building you a new deck. They will appreciate what a productive roll model you are once they get out of (zombie) college.
1. Read Blogs While You Sleep
Finally, most blogs on the Internet are boring and worthless anyway. Don’t spend your lunch break reading blogs that put you to sleep - be proactive and read them while you are sleeping. You remember how much you learned in college while sleeping during lectures, right? We realize you probably are not as conservative of your time as you were in college when you used to study for a test and simultaneously do shots with your buddies at the bar. However, you were able to sleep and absorb information at some point in your life, you just need a refresher.
If you properly follow these tips, you will become a diaper wearing, filthy, over sexed meth addict with zombie children, but you will get soooo much more accomplished with your life than otherwise!
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Comments
Hey Thanks Jay! I am glad you liked!
No, no malice intended towards anyone in this post. #1 is in reference to basically my historical stereotype with blogs in general.
BTW, I really liked the 35+ tips! My waste basket is spring time fresh now.
[...] received a comment from Jay @ Dumb Little Man tonight on my ridiculous post earlier. Luckily, he thought it was funny. I stopped by DLM again to see what was new and saw the Article [...]
Nice job. Assuming #1 was not about Dumb Little Man, this was pretty funny.
Jay White
DLM